I didn’t, but I’m going to pretend that I did and continue on with my comic-themed week. Today I give you a dual treat: Top five super powers to have as a parent and the five worst super abilities for your children to have.
PARENTAL SUPER POWERS
5. Emotions of Steel: You are immune to the fiery barbs of distressed children. Name calling and utterings of undying hate, whenever they are sent to their rooms, will bounce off you like water off a duck. This is especially helpful to have when teenagers are in the house.
Disadvantage: Co-workers could see you as cold and uncaring. Family and friends too. Okay, really everyone may find you a bit too distant.
4. Precognitive Danger Sense: Knowing that your child is going to touch that sizzling hot skillet on the stove before they do it will save you a load of money in medical expenses. It also comes in hand for cutting off toddler donnybrooks before they get started. This ability is sure to keep your home a child-safe zone.
Disadvantage: Once people notice your ability to put out fires before they start they will expect you to do it all the time. There goes any vacations or hobbies you might want to plan.
3. Parabolic Hearing: Parents with this ability need not wonder what their children are doing when they are being – quiet. Clearly hearing a whisper at two-hundred yards takes all the guess work out of parenting. If they say it – you know it.
Disadvantage: Snoring spouses may cause lower levels in your quality of sleep. The same thing for snoring neighbors. Probably the people down the street too.
2. Truth Field: Imagine your children telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. With this ability, that is exactly what will happen. Parents can extend a field around them that will impel everyone to give only truthful answers.
Disadvantage: You don’t want this turned on when your kids ask you about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or where babies come from.
1. X-Ray Vision: With this ability, no one can hide from you. No more sneaking cookies from the cookie jar when you’re in the other room. No more guessing who die what, to whom, in the latest child disturbance. And best of all you may finally discover all of those missing socks.
Disadvantage: No one wants to see that many noses being picked.
5. Sonic Burst: More appropriately called Sonic Out-Burst. If children with this ability get upset – you’re going to hear about it. Not to mention that the once simple chore of burping babies now becomes a life-threatening adventure.
4. Super Strength: Beware temper tantrums backed by unheard of might. When children pound their feet on the floor it will likely leave you needing a new floor. Equally as devastating are thrown toys, which ruin the toy and wall as well.
3. Tornado Spin: Children have an innate ability to make a mess, but with this power they can do it in mere nano-seconds. Kids with this power may also go through clothing faster than usual – if that’s possible.
2. Apathy Pheromones: Parents become tired, listless and begin to wonder why they decided to have children. Oh wait, you get this anyway when newborns keep you awake all night. At least with newborns the effects should eventually fade.
1. Superior Intelligence: Children already think they’re smarter than the parents, but if they actually were it could result in the end of the world.